Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
