I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
