my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
