I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
