The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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