He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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