Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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