Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
