I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize