I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just blew my weed a kiss
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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