The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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