If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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