Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
