So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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