Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
