I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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