So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize