"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Enjoy the penises
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
