Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
