I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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