the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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