Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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