i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize