Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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