Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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