I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
