got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize