fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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