oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My dick has a subreddit
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
