life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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