i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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