Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
