I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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