Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Why is your signature on my underwear?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
This baby is an asshole
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
