i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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