too bad you live with your parents still
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
