wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
