some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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