I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I need help removing her.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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