In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
