also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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