U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
