He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
