Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
