I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
