Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
