i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
