hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
