i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
