I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
