i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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