Swine flu. Run for my life!
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
