apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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