got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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