Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
