I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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