Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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