Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
