I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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