I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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