Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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