just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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