how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
