meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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