My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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